To Re-position or To Retire

Please allow me to share my own personal thinking about what I am thinking about regarding the rest of my life.  All of us, to one degree or another is re-thinking our lives. Goodness. In the light of current events, nuclear threats and such hatred going rampant, we all need to be in the business of re-thinking many things—including our own personal futures. I’m hoping that if I am transparent and open, it might also give you words—perhaps even courage to rethink your own life, work and mission.

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Pondering Means Not Hurrying

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2: 19I love this painting of Mary in contemplation during and after the Angel told her what was to happen.In a single verse, we are privy to what Mary actually did—after she was told that she was going to have a baby and that her baby would have a sacred role in God’s plan for humanity.We see in Mary’s response an action that is beautiful, humble and meaningful. She doesn’t rush around telling her closest friends what has happened. She doesn’t make a plan. She doesn’t fret, worry or let her nerves get the best of her.Mary’s heart reveals two needed postures in today’s frenzied world with 24/7 news in the ever-ready, always on world we live in today. Mary “treasures” the information she has been given. Then, Mary “ponders” it.To treasure and ponder both the seen and unseen things of our lives grounds us. By treasuring and pondering truth, we develop and grow a contemplative soul—a soul that ponders the invisible; a soul that responds rather than reacts and a soul that is anchored in a bigger picture of life than just the urgent, pressing and hurry.[tweetthis]There are five components needed to grow a contemplative soul.[/tweetthis] These five components have been the foundation for Gwen and me in our life in our sabbatical and post-sabbatical. photo-1440557958969-404dc361d86f

  1. We need silence. In today’s world of outer noise and inner confusion, silence helps us find our heart. It’s only 18” between our head and our heart but that journey is said to be one of the longest journeys in the world. Silence helps us de-clutter our minds; center our hearts and work through the mental congestion where it seems there is always a sort of committee meeting happening in our minds. Silence is necessary to grow a pondering heart. Without silence, we are told that it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life.  Every day, seek to spend 10-20 minutes in silence. Start with 10 and grow your time to be more like 20. Most spiritual masters encourage us to spend 20 minutes in quiet---learning to treasure the Presence of God in our midst. There what’s unimportant in our lives grows smaller while what is really important becomes larger and Great.  By far, the very best book I've read on silence this past year is Martin Laird's "Into the Silent Land: A Guide to the Christian Practice of Contemplation."
  1. We need Solitude. Solitude is not just being alone. It is understanding the movement of beginning alone and entering the realization that you are not alone—really. You are in God’s presence. As Mary spent time “pondering” her aloneness was transformed in hearing again and again what the Angel actually told her. She relished in that experience. We can relish in ours. When we learn how to “do” solitude, we are entering a movement on which all spiritual mothers and fathers would agree: Without solitude, we cannot find our heart or True self. Solitude grounds us from the applause of people, the scaffolding of position and power and helps us leave the tyranny of the urgent to connect with the Ground of our Being.  I'd highly recommend, Henri Nouwan's The Way of the Heart to help you grasp the classic understanding of solitude.
  1. We pray. I’ve found that prayer is the great stumbling block for most people who follow Jesus. We either don’t pray at all or our prayers are more quick rescue pleas from some situation we are hoping to avoid. Prayer is conversation. It is dialogue not monologue. It is a two way, reciprocal conversation where we speak and God speaks. The Ancients said, “God’s first language is silence” and if all we hear is silence from God in our prayers then we posture ourselves to experience a sort of Grand Silence—a quiet that assuages our aches and fears. The silence brings us to Presence. As we “ponder” and “treasure” we articulate what is stirring. We give words to the wordless feelings we experience. We connect. We sit in our connection.  The book that rocked my world this past year on prayer is Cynthia Bourgeault's Inner Awakening.
  1. We become slow. There is an art of slowing that our culture is missing today where everything is fast and instant. The cult of speed causes us to move so fast that we speed by Heaven in our midst. No one who lives with “hurry” as a mantra has time to “ponder” and “treasure” and thus, we miss the richness of a feeding that can be ours. Walk slowly. Move slowly. Be attentive to your taste buds rather than scarfing down our food where there is barely time to taste or “taste and see that the Lord is good.” For more on slowing please read: The Jesus Life by Stephen W. Smith. There are chapters describing the way of the table and the rhythm of life that helps one foster a contemplative heart.
  1. We experience consolation. A person who nourishes a heart to “ponder” and “treasure” is a person who learns where the source of consolation really is and how consolation works in the soul of a person. Ignatius of Loyola said that if a person spent time every day to notice how they were consoled by the love and grace of God every single day for three months, they would never, ever be the same again. This is the practice of examining your day---and tracing back through the seen and unseen events of your day and noticing how God was seeking to console you—the way a mother would console a fretting child. Does he do it through beauty? Does God do it through a conversation or something you notice? And the opposite is also true: how did you experience the desolation of God’s seeming absence? Where did it seem that you were totally on your own with God no where in sight?  Jim Manny's book is a classic on this!

  As we enter these days of Christmas an in anticipation of the New Year--- Mary can become a teacher for us—a mentor we need to become less busy and deeper in our hearts!  

Learning to Live in Peace and at Peace

It's a peaceful setting for sure but what about inner peace?Blessed are the peacemakers: they shall be recognized as children of God.—Matthew 5:9 (New Jerusalem Bible)The long, arduous spiritual journey can be summed up this way: All of life—from beginning to end is to be marked by peace. Being at peace is truly a mark of authenticity for those that are on the journey to God. It has taken me many years, several positions in my work and some failed relationships to realize that peace and living at peace is our ultimate goal in life. Where there is no peace--there is no real life.As I look back on my life and through the decades of my journey, seeking peace was not on my list of priorities. I, like so many around me, sought power and control; affection and esteem and security and survival. Family, work and friendship became venues for me to seek what I thought I needed. I thought a position would give me peace. I now see that I was programmed by my culture to live a certain way and that by living in a certain way--I would eventually get what I was searching for in life. I was wrong. I though being liked and accepted would cultivate peace inside. I was wrong. I though finally arriving at a vocational position would offer me all that I really wanted. Again, I was wrong.In this beatitude--this statement of a healthy attitude about life, we again see Jesus defining for us the core truth we can embrace to bring us to experience peace.To think that the heart of God and the intentions of Jesus would be that I could experience peace—the great shalom of God—allows me to re-think everything in my life. That God would seriously desire for me to live at peace and to be at peace opens my heart to God in a deeper way.The Hebrew word for “shalom” means far more than mere peace. Shalom is about our well-being; a state of being that is not at struggle, conflict or discord with ourselves and with other people, institutions, systems or organizations.This kind of well being is cultivated in at least five main ways.

  1. Peace with our past. As we mature, we realize that we have collected bruises, nicks and wounds and each one of these is a part of our story—our narrative. But experiencing peace means that we do not have to be defined by our past or be a victim of our past. Experiencing peace in our past requires knowing the true story of our formation; forgiving those who wronged us and gaining the insight and strength to overcome parts of our story that could have swamped us or sunk us.  As I work with people, I find that it is our past where most of us really need to do the work of being a peacemakers. Something has happened in our past that we seem to get over and we succumb to the power of a past that holds us in its grip rather than being transformed from our past.
  2. Peace with our body. Our bodies are the address of our soul. To survive, forget ahead and compete, we may discover that we have abused our bodies—and may not have honored them. To have peace with our bodies is to accept our physical limitations; to accept our DNA and propensity towards certain physical challenges. To realize that we are what we eat and for the body to be at peace, the body needs the things that will nourish it—not harm it. To be a peace with one's body is to live the healing we so deeply need.  I am 18 months into a journey with this being core and central for me. My intentional work here is fascinating, motivating and filled with wonderful curiosity.
  3. Peace in our minds. Our minds seem to be the place of perpetual committee meetings where we hear old voices telling us; shouting at us and sometimes condemning us. Learning how to quiet the mind is a spiritual exercise that nearly every religion on earth addresses. Jesus described an inner room where we can go to intentionally say “no” to the voices that never seem to leave us alone.   Voices that snarl their jeering, rejecting and condemning tones undermine our efforts to have inner peace. We learn, hopefully, how to shut the door to these voices and listen to the Voice that tells us who we really are and what our true identity is all about in life.  This particular area is key in the work of caring for someone's soul. If our minds are not at peace--then we are not at peace.
  4. Peace in our relationships. The sum of all Christian Scripture is very clear here. We are to pursue peace in relationships. We are to engage in peaceful behaviors that move us from one position to another, more life-giving way to live. We move from competition to cooperation. We move from being divisive to be one that joins in the work and lives or others. We move from insisting on our own way and position to yielding to the perspective and insight of others. To move towards forgiveness--even when  we have in fact been wronged is at the core of being at peace.
  5. Peace with God. All of life is about learning to live at peace with God. As we experience this peace—this marker of a true relationship with God—we realize that this key and most primary of all relationships is the one relationship that anchors all other relationships. To be at peace with God is to learn how to be at peace with others—even our enemies—even those who speak ill against us. To experience the peace of God on a daily--day to day basis is at the heart of a healthy relationship with God.

 It’s far easier to list these main areas where we need to experience peace than to actually foster peace in each one. Yet, this really is our journey.  Choose one of the above areas this coming week and see how by your attention and focus people, events and circumstances may come to mind that need your attention. In my most recent sabbatical, my attention was drawn to two particular people that I knew I needed to pursue; say some words that might bring healing and resolution. These people surfaced in my own heart after weeks and weeks of quiet, rest, pondering and wondering. During the closing days of my sabbatical, I went to each one and asked forgiveness--owned what I could and sought to bless them by telling them how important they were to me and how much I valued them. It helped. And to my great surprise, I believe they were helped by my peace-making actions.[tweetthis]Making peace and experiencing contentment in life is truly an Inside Job. Peace does not just happen.[/tweetthis] When we do our inner work, we are cultivating the peace we desire and want.When we live at peace and in peace—we discover who we really are. We gain a sense of our true identity as the children of God. Some people say, I have my mother’s eyes. Some say, you might look more like your father than your mother. To look like and to be a person of peace is to possess the highest hallmark of the spiritual life. For when we are at peace—we are truly in God’s presence.

Rest from your Labor this Labor Day

Dear Friends:For those of us living in the U.S., this weekend marks the Labor Day holiday. This holiday was initiated by workingmen during the height of the Industrial Revolution in the late 1800s.It was a time of incredible production in U.S. history when new technologies were transforming the nation:The national railroad network and then the automobile provided faster transportation.The invention of the telephone made communication faster.The introduction of the assembly line streamlined production.The light bulb made it possible for people to work longer hours.The result of the Industrial Revolution was a time of enormous material prosperity in the U.S.Yet, this prosperity came at a staggering price.At the time, it was not uncommon for the average American laborer to work 12-hour days and seven-day weeks. Children as young as five could be found toiling in mills and factories, working conditions were often extremely unsafe, and workers often had inadequate access to sanitation facilities, fresh air, or rest breaks.Finally, workers started standing up for themselves.They formed unions. Workers went on strike to pressure factory owners for better working conditions. Out of all this came changes like child labor laws, better working conditions, and shorter working hours. (And, of course, Labor Day!)Although we may feel far removed from the Industrial Revolution, perhaps we haven't made as much progress as we think. The technological revolution we're living in now pulls and pushes us in similar ways.In our "always-on" world where we are constantly available 24-hours a day via email and the internet, we have a hard time disconnecting from our work. We now live what I call "High Octane" lives.The result of the High Octane Life is that we easily lose touch with the people and priorities that are most important to us.Do you feel like you've lost your connection to God?How about your spouse, good friends, parents, or kids?Have you lost touch with a hobby or a passion that used to bring you joy?When was the last time you spent time in nature marveling at God's amazing creativity?It's time to take a stand for yourself.[tweetthis]For the sake of your soul. You need to take a holiday from technology. You need to disconnect from the wired life of always available and always on. [/tweetthis]And you need to re-connect. You need un-interupted time to connect with the people and passions that bring joy and meaning to your life.So here's my challenge for you this weekend is simple:Find a way to disconnect in order to re-connect.Here are a few ideas to get you started:Choose a day this weekend where all technology stays off. Go on a screen fast. Put away your phone, laptop, and TV.Turn off all push notifications on your phone. Or better yet, leave it on airplane mode or do not disturb when you're not using it.When you go out this weekend to spend time with family or friends, leave your phone at home. (For you parents who may need to have a phone in case the babysitter calls, leave it in your pocket or purse instead of having it out to check emails and updates.)Decide on a no phones or technology rule in the bedroom. Make your bedroom a sanctuary for sleeping and connecting intimately with your spouse.Pick a time each day to disconnect from technology. Intentionally choose a specific time to turn on and off the Internet each day. (For instance, maybe you don't connect to it until 9:00 am and turn it off at 8:00 pm.)Invite someone you love to join you for a day without devices and tell them why you're doing it.Just sit somewhere for a few hours. Get out into nature. Bring a journal and a pen. Consider what you need to disconnect from in your life in order to re-connect to the people and priorities that truly matter the most to you.Sit quietly with God for a few minutes in silence. Let his love for you wash over your soul.If you choose to accept my challenge, I'd love to hear from you. Just reply to this email. Let me know how you are disconnecting from technology and how you are re-connecting.With you on the journey,Steve Smith   

The Wild and Peaceful Landscapes of Stillness

Gwen starring out at the vast oceanscape from a barrier island in North CarolinaDuring Sabbatical I had some amazing adventures in experiencing the difference between the stillness I thought I knew about and had studying about and the stillness that patiently lead me to wild and peaceful landscapes within me that I had never seen or even knew existed.There is nothing like being surrounded in stillness by an endless deep ocean and a crisp blue sky that seems to stretch to eternity. I sat still; I stood still, even holding my breath so as not to miss the glory of such a sight. Creation of the Creator unfolding right in from of me and I became a silent witness. What a privilege. I was honored and to this day I hold the honor in my heart.To encounter the Creator at his work while wrapped in stillness is to not remain the same. Stillness gave me the deep awareness that while being a silent witness, being actually present with God in a glorious display of nature right before my eyes, he too was present with me in the landscape of the dark, rugged crevices of piercing grief and suffering . In stillness I experienced my presence with God in beauty and his presence with me in brokenness. We were together and it was good. Nothing fixed or figured out. Nothing healed and made brand new.Stillness gave me an experience with Companionship and Compassion and Comfort. I wasn’t alone with my isolating fears and blinding tears. Stillness ushered me into that mysterious peace that had nothing to do with understanding anything. Stillness granted me the reality of Divine Presence. Stillness let me know God in the midst of what seems to be a godless situation. Stillness made an inviting space for me to know and listen to God say, “Be still and know me”. And I did.Stillness gave me space to listen to the unexpressed voice crying out from my desolate wilderness. This is what I heard:A Prayer for Tommy*Holy, precious, purest angel face,God, please kiss him with your tender grace.Double chinButton nosePerfect little fingersSweetest tiny toes.Holy is this momentLove and sorrow flowsHearts that ache to hold himAre held by One who knows.Tommy Jacob Smith, my fourth grandchild: born March 5,2015—died, March 5, 2015

Sabbatical: Going to the End of My Rope

“You’re blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”—Jesus in Matthew 5:3, MessageDid Jesus envision this when he gave us a life-altering "beatitude?"  For me,  the answer is 'YES'!Most every person I know needs to dismantle their emotional programming for what it means to be happy in life. We are hard-wired to think that happiness and joy come by chasing the outer markers of success in life: a bigger house, a nicer car, a new toy. I explore this in Inside Job, my new book. We believe a lie and we make a vow that determines how we will live our life and try and try to be happy.Jesus turned this kind of thinking up on it’s head. To be happy—to be blessed—requires a total shift in our paradigm of how we view life. He offered us a paradigm shift in what is called the “Beatitudes.” These statements found in Matthew 5:3-14, are short, pithy and life-altering guidelines which help us not only dismantle our hard-wiring we’ve acquired through culture, church and family, but they help us really see how happiness is cultivated in our lives.In our Sabbatical, Gwen and I have come, face to face, with these statements--these beatitudes. Let me share one here: “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” The Message jolts us to our core and says it this way, “You’re blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”Blessing and happiness come by our emptying ourselves and having to rely on God in a complete and resolved kind of way. It’s when we are so vulnerable; so power-less; so weak and so empty that there is room for God to do his work. Our poverty is exchanged for his blessing. On our own, some of us try to out work and out wit God.We live as Parker Palmer has aptly coined it: functional atheism. We say believe in God and trust God, yet we live in a manic pace, stripping our souls and running our lives on empty. I had to come face-to-face with this humbling realization in our sabbatical--yet, again. We live as if our life, our work and our relationships are totally up to us. We, the, “functional atheist” of the 21st century, have soul work to do. We’d never admit it but we are more functional atheist than experiencing a faith with sustains, nurtures and shows us how to live with resilience . We live and function as if we are the ones having to push the proverbial boulder up another hill—yet again.Poverty in soul, for me meant that I had to accept let go of my grip on my work--and get out of its grip on me, my ministry and my staff. This acceptance--this consent is my daily work--my daily job. This letting go was a relinquishment of power and control. It required me confessing that I find my satisfaction in work--and not in God is not a good thing for me or anyone else around me. It is a shift towards poverty of soul for me. At times during sabbatical, I was anxious that Potter’s Inn might fail; fall apart or even die. We feel so fragile due to raising our support. Our helplessness actually fostered a deep sense of well-being---why? Because it meant letting go. Poverty of spirit meant a handing over to God all that I simply could not do and should not do.God works in us is to foster, nourish and grow a sense of contentment, inner-serenity and shalom that we live with the awareness that simply says this: No matter what my circumstances; no matter how hard this particular time is in my life; no matter how powerless I feel right now, 'All is well in my life and all will be well around me'. True contentment, my friends, is an Inside Job. In sabbatical, I left my work but I had to do my inside job.It is NOT up to me. I relinquish my efforts to be God—to be everywhere at once and to do multiple things that have stripped my soul bear and left me so empty inside. The great work of God is more than planting churches; more than sharing the Gospel; more than teaching. The great work awaiting each one of us the work of our inside job. God truly does desire our well-being. Sit with that thought for a moment and see where it might take you. What if you took a moment today and sat in your emptiness and weakness—feeling depleted and truly at the end of your rope and experienced the hands of God doing one thing: holding you. That’s it—just let yourself be held for a quiet moment. To sit, rather than DO something is an act of submission--and act of letting go--an act of well-being. Hey, I'm all for action, but even action must have it's seasons, right?In the beginning of our time “off” we felt like we truly were at the end of our rope. We were tired, worn out and experiencing some degree of burn out. So many years of pioneering and work had depleted us. A poverty within is what we had to face. As we faced our own spiritual poverty and admitted it and also confessed it—finally—we were brought low to a place of inner desperation and longing. “God, I don’t feel like I can go on. I can’t retire financially. But I’m at the end. Please God, do something. I let go now. It's time for you to do the thing that you must love to do--transform me and people like me."In that kind of confession, it seemed to have ushered us both into a journey of renewal.

Welcoming Myself Back to Work

Much of Sabbatical has been about learning to "let go."Never have I found a more appropriate prayer for my first day back to work after a long sabbatical than the Welcome Prayer by Father Thomas Keating. At the first reading, you might be tempted to say, "What a nice prayer." And then move on. But Gwen and I have sat with this prayer on an intentional basis for the past few months. We have attempted to excavate the meaning and suck the marrow out of each phrase and sentence.It is rich. It is deep and it is transformational.Here it is:The Welcoming Prayer (by Father Thomas Keating)Welcome, welcome, welcome.I welcome everything that comes to me todaybecause I know it's for my healing.I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons,situations, and conditions.I let go of my desire for power and control.I let go of my desire for affection, esteem,approval and pleasure.I let go of my desire for survival and security.I let go of my desire to change any situation,condition, person or myself.I open to the love and presence of God andGod's action within. Amen.To Welcome this day, our first day back to work means to enter this with no regret, apprehension or fear. It, the first day, the first week and the first season is for me. It is for my good. It is not for my demise.For my healing... returning to my work is also a part of my healing and transformation as much as our season of rest has been. Now, I can live out of the fruit of what has been gathered. I can also begin to integrate these precious truths into my work--not just my time off.The Welcoming of all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations and conditions---means for me, that I believe in a God that is good and is not ought to bring me down or to step back and watch my life spin out of control. God is vested in the process of everyday encounters.I let go--much of my work over sabbatical has been right here. To learn how to let go and to release things, people, my past and my future into the hands of God. Knowing that I cannot control these things helps me to learn to loosen my grip. The three sentences in the prayer that speak of "letting go" really are the three temptations of Jesus: the temptation for power; the temptation for approval; the temptation for security. I, too, will work through these temptations as I work--and being tempted to lean into each of these areas to find love, approval and security. To let go--is my daily business.I open myself---believing in a God who is good and who loves me allows me to become open. I open myself to the love and goodness of God. It is my intention to live each day in this posture and I consent to my participation of the work of my transformation.I posted this book on Facebook recently and got many "likes." Now, I regret doing it. I don't think this prayer or perhaps any prayer can simply be liked. The Welcome Prayer undoes us. I truly believe that this prayer can't be just read and put down. It will mess with you. It has with me. And isn't this, perhaps, the greatest purpose of prayer?

Read the Directions

The tea that gave me my "Aha" moment! A few days into my Sabbatical I got the worst cold I have ever had. The physical aches, pains and down right misery that a bad cold makes you feel, were the obvious outlets for the long accumulated and residual stress stored in my hidden, way down deep soul place. I was living proof that we are all intricately woven together by our Creator…everything is connected. As awful as I felt, there was this companioning gratitude that sabbatical was giving me time and space, that is definitely not the norm, to be as sick as I was and take as long as I needed to heal. I had never experienced a holy misery like this before and wasn’t so sure how to navigate it.Nothing gave me the soothing care that you need when your head feels the size of a watermelon, like keeping a steaming hot mug of tea in my hands, holding it up close to my face and sipping now and then. I unwrapped what seemed to be the millionth teabag and couldn’t help but laugh at what I saw. The name of the tea was Breathe Deep and on the little white tag attached to the teabag were the words: “Socialize with compassion, kindness and grace.”I know it’s sounds superficial and silly but I didn’t dismissively roll my eyes for some reason. Instead I felt a tug, a curiosity to read it again. What if I actually did what it said? No one else was around so I couldn’t pass it off in jest with someone else. I took the challenge. First of all, “Breathe Deep” was the name of the tea so I stood there and took several long deep breaths. Breathing is obviously essential to life yet is so dismissed ,as if there is no worth paying it any attention. Our very breath can actually be a simple reminder of the gift of live we so take for granted. It can be the very thing within us that can remind us of the Spirit of God with in us. It was a powerful and comforting reminder for me that day. God is as close as my breath. He isn’t way out there waiting to be beckoned. Taking deep breaths can be a true spiritual exercise to help honor the God designed connection between our body and soul. It can be so revealing of the stress we kept pent up inside and it is the provision of something so simple to relieve the stress that is so damaging to our body and soul. It’s body care to breathe. It’s soul care to breathe.   Awareness of God isn’t as complicated as we make it sometimes. Deep breaths gave me a sacred awareness of God right there in the kitchen with me. His name, after all is Immanuel, God with us.The little tag read “socialize with compassion”. Compassion means ‘to suffer with’. God is Compassion. He knows suffering and is with us in our suffering. I want to socialize, to be in that kind of company. I want to be a person who suffers with others, to show up and tell them that I am sorry they are suffering whether I can help relieve their suffering or not. The tag also read “Socialize with kindness and grace”. God is always expressing his kindness to me. His amazing grace is, to me, more than just the words to a favorite hymn. He is kind to give me a life filled with so much that I am undeserving of. I was stirred by my desire to socialize, interact with and be acquainted with this unconditional grace and kindness. I want it to be more than my theology; I want to be kindness and grace with skin on.Surprised by an encounter with God through a teabag, as silly as that may be, is an encounter that continues to inspire me to breath in, to keep company with, to socialize with God’s compassion, kindness and grace. It always helps to read the directions and this is especially true when making tea and caring for one's soul. 

Shedding Old Skin

A snake shedding its skin has been a rich metaphor for me to work with during sabbatical.My problem with our sabbatical being over is that I’m not ready for it to be over. Things have not jelled. I need more time to process some things. I’ve not read all I want to read. I’ve not had the time (believe it or not) to think about some things and get them in concrete. I wish we would have taken longer. Perhaps I needed two more months for things to jell in my soul.John Climacus wrote in the 7th century, “A snake can shed its old skin only if it crawls into a tight hole.” Sabbatical has given me a tight hole in which I've been able to shed some things, find some things and experience some things. It's been rich and rewarding. But here's the deal: I still have old skin on me and in me. Despite my best efforts and intents, I want to come out of this sabbatical time: clean, new and different.With just a few days remaining on Sabbatical, I now know I’m going to walk with a limp. I’m going to still struggle. I’m going to disappoint many of you and my family cause one would think: You should be different given this time!Illusions of being different are born in the waters of baptism. We long to be more than we are. We want to become different than how we see ourselves. We think it's a whole new world when we start out on the spiritual journey. But on the journey we find we carry with us a lot of stuff in our suitcases that never seems to get unpacked and cleaned out. Call it snake skin, graveclothes, habits or addictions--there are some things that just seem like we struggle with--perhaps till we die. Sabbatical has been a time of stripping down my own suitcase and throwing off and away that which simply does not work anymore. Carrying baggage can be so tiring. I’ve found not much dies in those waters of baptism. Demons breathe underwater despite our best efforts to get rid of them. That’s how I feel about re-entry. Not all my demons have died--despite my best efforts to drown them.I’m 60 years old for crying out loud. I thought I’d be done with some stuff by now. Will I still wrestle with the demons of drivenness; performance and pleasing others? Would I not really be better off by doing this…or doing that?One of my grandchildren is almost ready to be potty trained. Being potty trained is all the talk now when we Skype. I can understand my grandson's dilemma. Something has just got to give and change. I’m “almost” ready for a new phase of life myself but somehow when I look down, I feel all messy. It’s not clean. I need someone to help me.Before we even started our sabbatical, we scheduled a re-entry retreat. It begins tonight. So, I'll be able to have some great conversations with a sage like saint whom I've grown to trust. This person, in so many ways is my pastor, my soul friend, my companion but just a head of me a bit--or a lot--depending on what day it is.So, this week, we are leaning into the wisdom of my spiritual director (someone older, wiser and more potty trained than I am). We begin this final act of transition. I want to explore what is for me in my sabbatical and what is for our team. What is for my family. What needs to remain private. Who knows, maybe after my third day with my spiritual director I will have shed my old skin once and for all.